All About Jack Sh*t
It seems that people are always telling
everyone else "You don't know Jack Sh*t." Well, I am going to
explain it all to you. Afterwards, if someone tells you this you can
say "Actually, I DO know Jack Sh*t."
Jack Schitt is the only son of Awh and Oh Schitt. Awh, the fertilizer
magnate, married Oh, the owner
of the Kneedeep Inn, which expanded to become Kneedeep Inn Schitt, Inc.
Later, Jack married Noe, and they
produced seven children. Holy, their first, passed on shortly after
Next came the twin sons, Deep and Dip, and two daughters, Fulla, and
Giva and another son, Bull. Deep
married Dumb, a high school dropout. Dip married Lotta, and they had a
nervous son, Chicken. Fulla and Giva
married the Happens brothers.
The Schitt-Happens children are Dawg, Byrd, and Hoarse. Bull just
recently married a spicy Italian number,
Pisa, and they are awaiting the arrival of a little baby Schitt.
They've already picked the name of Pila.
Chicken eventually inherited the fertilizer industry from his
grandfather. The business grew rapidly due to his
unique management skills and catchy slogan: “Crops Not
Growing? You Need Chicken Shitt.” For a while, people
said that he had a Schitt-load of money, but he lost the company when
he eventually became afraid to collect the money
owed from people on his Schitt list.
After being married for 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe
Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, but kept her
previous name. She was later known as Noe Schitt-Sherlock.
Recently, one of Jack Schitt's old girlfriends Helpya Self, gave up her
two daughters, Sh*ttanya Self and Pissayna
Self, for adoption. Jack cousins, Hunka
Schitt and Loada Schitt are now the twins' foster parents. The twins
are welcomed by one brother, Crocka
Schitt, and two sisters, Take-a Schitt and Heap-a Schitt. Jack's
sister, Wortha, moved out to make room for
the large family.
Wortha soon fell in love with a Mr. Brick, and they were married. She
moved into his huge house, but refused to
change her last name. Now their home close to Schitt Creek is known
throughout the community as the Brick-
Schitt House. With its marble floors and ornate exterior, the townsfolk
would often say that anything that looked
good was "Built Like A Brick-Schitt House."
Heap-a Schitt married Mr. Getza Head, an Italian chef. Soon, there were
lots of Schitt-Head children. Heap-a
became a chemist and eventually developed the world-renowned pesticide
called "Deadly Schitt." Soon,
billboards announced the famous slogan about her product -- "Got
Bugs? Let them eat Schitt and die."
Take-a Schitt moved to Japan to become a horticulturalist. Using a
variant of her name, she developed a new
species of mushrooms, called the "Schittake." She married Mr. Hooks, a
Roto-Rooter executive, and they had
several children. The Schitt-Hooks prospered for many years, but
eventually went down the drain in a stock
market crash. Hometown newspapers reported the demise of the
mushroom industry, but the article misquoted
the company’s bankruptcy records and blamed “Schitt For
Brains” as the cause of the failure, rather than the
economy, and the Schitts sued. The legendary case was eventually
settled, and a new phrase was coined:
“I’ll sue the Schitt out of you.”
Crocka Schitt became a stand-up comedian. Because of his stage antics,
he earned the nickname "Ape." Last year,
Crocka Schitt fell while climbing a tree in his hometown of Shinola,
MO, and landed in the middle of a PETA
demonstration -- unhurt. I guess you could say that PETA had Schitt on
themselves. Newspapers reported that Crocka
was “one tough Schitt.” The Six-O-Clock News, filming
the event, promptly named the segment "Ape Schitt Falls
From Tree -- PETA Breaks His Fall." Well, as you might have
guessed, that article attracted every girl from three
counties away. Jealous husbands and boyfriends threatened to
“shoot the Schitt.” Fans flocked to see the
One admirer actually tore Crocka’s overalls and knocked him
down. The ensuing scuffle ended when Schitt hit the fan.
However, Ima Hooker, the female news anchor, was the one that caught
the eye of Crocka Schitt. She fell madly
in love with Crocka, and they soon married. Ima Hooker was now Ima
Schitt. Now a celebrity because of the news
report, Crock-a Schitt moved with Ima back to her hometown, where he
could have peace and quiet and raise a little
Schitt every now and then. His plan worked. No one knew him there. When
asked who he was, people would say "I don't
know Schitt from Shinola." They eventually had four kids: Krappy
Schitt, Ugglee Schitt, "Lucky" Schitt and Moe Schitt
(who actually was named "Noe" after Jack's first wife, but was
called "Moe" because of her haircut). Krappy was a
feeble kid, and pretty much scared of everything. When ill, kids would
often say that they were "Feeling Krappy" or
"Sick as Schitt." Likewise, when they were scared,
they would say they “had the Schitt scared out of them,” or
they were “scared Schittless.”
Before long, the town had Schitt all over the place. As a matter of
fact, they had more Schitt than they could handle.
Lucky, the moneymaker of the family, created a deodorant empire, and
for years used the slogan "Smell Like Schitt."
His family later moved to Australia, where the slogan was changed to
"Smell Like Schitt Down Under." When he lost his
business in a card game, he was said to be "Schitt Out Of Luck."
Moe Schitt became a troublemaker. She was run out of town when the
citizens put up signs saying "Get The Schitt
Out Of Here." The Mayor finally declared that there was no way they
could put up with Noe Moe Schitt.
Uglee Schitt married Buford Butt, and later was known as Uglee Butt.
Using her maiden name, she opened a
miniature donkey-breeding farm. Those little Schitt-Asses were famous
throughout the county.
Uglee’s oldest son, Sacka Schitt, was an entrepreneur, of
sorts. Always on the lookout for an investment,
Sacka earned the nickname “Owl,” when he became famous as a
stock broker on Wall Street. Ever the envy
of his peers, he was always voted “Broker of the
Year.” Everyone said that to beat him, you’d have to
“slicker than Owl Schitt.”
Owl Schitt eventually left the hectic life of Wall Street and moved
back home to start a family. His first
daughter, “Runny” Schitt, earned that nickname due to the
fact that she couldn’t sit still, even when eating her
Christmas dinner. She was often the winner of all the county
eating contests. The judges always said that
nothing was “faster than Schitt through a goose.”
The story doesn't end here, though. The Schitt children moved from
place to place, and you'll probably run
into some Schitt everywhere you look. Every summer, Jack Schitt
contacts all of the family members for an
annual get-together. He wants everyone show up, so he places ads in the
local papers about the reunion,
announcing "Get Your Schitt Together."
As you can tell, we are now in a world of Schitt. Now that all the Sh*t
is cleared up, if anyone asks,
YOU DO KNOW JACK SH*T.
You can reply.........YES I DO!
To get a little more understanding you will also want to watch the
animated version below.
Schitt -- The Shorter Animated Version
Copyright © by Ron Collins. 2007
[Editor’s Note: By
now, I hope you realize that I’ve just fed you a buncha
Schitt. I Schitt You Not ! ]